I ... I am in a state. Dudel (sometimes with a Rok) is an entity I have created in order to help handle certain aspects of self that would be otherwise difficult to, well, handle. By itself, this was fine. The problem, though, is that "Dudel" is largely an online concept without a real face, yet it's the version of self most easily identified with ... and I am now actually "out in the real world"  taking this creation of "me" into it as a way to better deal with things than previously able.

...the bottom line of things is my "online self" and my more "real self" are quickly becoming a more single realized thing, and this is causing me to make some choices on how and what I wanna do. I suppose I shouldn't change my behavior because I suddenly have to actually slap people for being stupid, but there comes a point where questions arise and they are questions I do not want to deal with.

I realize I'm not making much sense, and the fact I'm dancing around something clearly undisclosed brings my motives into question, but there are just certain aspects or things certain people are unaware of, and I prefer it this way. ...but that might not be possible if I want to accumulate all of "Me" into a whole piece, which I really need to do in order to keep my bloody brain stable, so I'm stuck wondering if it's "Go for broke" time or if it's time to pull away ... but I don't want to pull away, and I hate myself for doing that the first time, so my choice becomes obvious, except the way to do this is very difficult and requires a string of awkward transitions.

So... yeah.

I'm so paranoid.
So very paranoid.